Can you think of a time when you felt frustrated when things didn't go according to plan? When you believed that things should be different than they were? This type of thinking is a telltale sign of our very human penchant for obsessive thinking and over-control. Unfortunately, the more we try to manage our lives and control things beyond our control, the more we negatively impact our resiliency and ability to handle whatever arises.
An over-controller assumes that in most situations, there is a problem and that things should be different. When you feel fear about a situation or an outcome (like getting into college or doing well on the SAT) you’re likely experiencing some obsessive thinking and feel a sense of more certainty about your opinions on reality— either wildly inflating or deflating possible outcomes scenarios. I should do well, I prepared so much. I should get a 14## score this time, at least 30 points better than last time. I should be able to get into X college, so-and-so got in last year. This "should" mentality is a barrier to accepting reality, as it argues with what is happening or what could happen. You are, in essence, trying to create your own reality!
To break free from over-control and not get totally identified with the thoughts (this workload is overwhelming can quickly turn into—> I am very overwhelmed —> I am my stressful, overwhelming workloadddd!), we need first to assess if we’re even aware of our thoughts and need for things to be a certain way. Joseph Campbell's "Circle of Awareness" concept illustrates that our self-perception is divided into what we are consciously aware of and what we are not aware of.
We get swept away by and controlled by anything in the lower half of the circle because we don’t have a choice in the matter. We are taken for the ultimate ride by our fears and our feelings. It’s kind of like this catchy, semi-annoying car sales radio jingle I sometimes hear, “the only deal we can’t beat is the deal we can’t see.” The only thoughts and emotions we can’t tame are the ones we aren’t aware of. By increasing our conscious awareness (read: becoming mindful and aware of what’s going on with our thought patterns) we can let go of the need to control. We can say— hey, I see you fear, wanting my SAT to be in that range. I see you self-doubt, I see you, grabby control hands trying to shape what happens next. Then, we can be with reality without constantly trying to fight against it, which is frankly exhausting and a losing battle!
Imagine yourself in a rowboat, struggling against the winds and currents, feeling like the victim and the controller, completely tossed about and exhausted. Now, imagine putting aside the oars and letting the sail of presence unfurl, allowing the winds to carry you. While you cannot control the winds, you can allow yourself to be carried by them, undoubtedly making for a much more pleasant journey.