During this time of year, I help 11th grade students create and refine their college lists. We use Corsava card sorts, engage in longer discussions, start researching colleges, and plan virtual or in-person visits when possible over spring break. While we stress the importance of finding a college that is a good fit academically, socially, and financially, it's crucial to remember that there isn't just one perfect college for each student. I recently heard a parable that made me chuckle, as it highlighted the frustrating process of applying to highly selective colleges for many students.
Nasrudin was visiting a younger friend who was about to get married. He asked Nasrudin (then an old man), “Did you ever think of getting married?” Nasrudin replied, “Of course I did think of getting married. In my youth, in fact, I very much wanted to get married.”
“So, what happened...?” the friend asked curious.
“I wanted to find for myself the perfect wife,” Nasrudin said, “so I travelled looking for the perfect wife. I first went to Damascus. There I met a beautiful woman who was gracious and kind, but she wasn’t well educated."
"Then I travelled further and went to Isphahan. There I met a woman who was both spiritual and worldly, beautiful in many ways, but not socially adept.”
“What a tragedy...then what did you do...you gave up...?” the friend asked.
“No...No...I don't give up so easily...and I very much wanted to get married...so I kept on searching for the perfect wife and travelled all over the world meeting so many women..." Nasrudin said.
“And did you find her...? Tell me, did you finally find the perfect wife...?” the friend asked eagerly.
“Yes,” Nasrudin said, “after travelling all over finally I went to Cairo and there after much searching I found her. She was spiritually deep, graceful, and beautiful in every respect, at home in the world and at home in the realms beyond it. I knew I had found the perfect wife.”
“Then why did you not marry her...?” the friend asked excitedly.
“Alas,” said Nasrudin as he shook his head in dismay, “Unfortunately, she was searching for the perfect husband.”
Having high standards and striving for excellence in life and in college admissions can inspire and propel us forward. However, it's important to aim for lofty goals without getting fixated on specific outcomes or rigid notions of how things should be perfect or conform to our preconceived ideas. In other words, we should be flexible and open to unexpected paths and opportunities rather than being overly attached to a predetermined plan or outcome. I often come back to the phrase Jack Kornfield said of mindfulness practice, “your goal is not to perfect yourself, but to perfect your love.” Perfecting yourself or seeking perfection in others (or in colleges) is an impossible task that sets us up for inevitable further disappointment. What is a better goal is to perfect your love, or if that is too lovey for you— perfect your kindness, your goodness, your open awareness, and your ability to be with, respond wisely to, and inhabit your life fully. Now that, would be some real learning.